Brew up Joy

They say when you're young you don't have to be afraid of anything, but first of all I do not feel young, and secondly I think I have every reason to be afraid of everything when I'm young, especially when I do not feel young when I am young. ¿ I don't have enough achievements to feel stabilised and I don't have enough leeway to feel free. Early twenties really suck shit, I want to be 28 now. Since I do not feel young anymore I might as well be older and be less afraid of all the unknown. And also, hopefully, less socially awkward. I think I'm still okay with dealing with strangers, but hi-bye acquantainces... oh my god.

Do you guys ever get it...? Like you meet this person whom you kiiiind-a know but don't know on the train and you have to take off your earphones out of basic courtesy to acknowledge their existence and say hi and spend the rest of the journey having a small talk that you're completely uninterested in? And uncomfortably holding on to your dangling earphones in a position that suggests that you really hope with all your heart that the person will alight at the next stop? But the next stop never comes. I get it all the time. It's a rather painful thing to go through. I hope when I am 28 I can be confident enough to just tell the person "Oh yeah, good luck with whatever you're doing" and resume listening to my music like a boss. I am really not very interested in most people's lives, I'm too self-absorbed for that. So small talks are useless. I think the most recent probing I did to someone else is asking my sister where she had her first kiss with her boyfriend and whether it was a short or long session. I've never asked her anything since then, they can go make out and have sex in a washing machine for all I care. Also, there's one of the many life philosophies I go by — If the person wants to let you know of her latest life updates, he or she will let you know. If not, don't bother asking because A) the person doesn't want you to know, or B) it is not worth knowing.


I've been sick the entire week, dealing with minor blocked nose and weak fever and baby nausea and sissy headaches. Basically every little symptom you can possibly have but none of them are that serious. But they are pretty torturous when combined together. I don't know, maybe it's like. 10 mosquito bites VS 1 bee sting. However my cough is getting somewhat irreparable because my left chest is hurting, I think I burst one of my vessels and I am going to die soon. I used to think that dying young is quite desirable but like I said, I don't feel young anymore, so dying now would be quite regretful.

William Foie Gras

(Rationale very much amused me)

Bit

I am the most tired woman in the world. I am tired when I get up. Life requires an effort I cannot make. Please give me that heavy book. I need to put something heavy like that on top of my head. I have to place my feet under the pillows always, so as to be able to stay on earth. Otherwise I feel myself going away, going away at a tremendous speed, on account of my lightness. I know that I am dead. As soon as I utter a phrase my sincerity dies, becomes a lie whose coldness chills me. Don't say anything, because I see that you understand me, and I am afraid of your understanding. I have such a fear of finding another like myself, and such a desire to find one! I am so utterly lonely, but I also have such a fear that my isolation be broken through, and I no longer be the head and ruler of my universe. I am in great terror of your understanding by which you penetrate into my world; and then I stand revealed and I have to share my kingdom with you.

- Anais Nin

To Me You Are A Work of Art

Life has become too hectic, but rewarding at the same time. It is rather impossible to maintain a healthy balance between

1. Work
2. Family
3. Friends
4. Lovers
5. Personal time
6. Sleep

So obviously blogging regularly is out of the question. But nevertheless here are some recent photos to share.


More than a year ago when I went out on my first date with Jean around the christmas season, I got him a set of Japanese miniature houses from Muji. "Merry Christmas, hope you like the present. Yours sincerely, Zhou." Now it's sitting nicely at his room with his very creative interpretation of a river. He is very creative for a non-creative person.

Recently I told him to try styling a pompadour so I got him a comb.


Also from Muji, heh. The parrot is from the David Sedaris book which I got from my shopping spree at Kino the other weekend.




We also planted herbs. I don't think I have very green thumbs but it should at least be somewhere near yellowish green. My mom is really good at gardening, so I assume I got some genes from there.

And the weirdest of insects like to die on his balcony. They just. Fall. Onto the ledge. And strike a tragically beautiful pose for us to take photos of.








I love this one the most. Such a poetic death. And 7 wings? 8? Wh0t?


Today I found these little babies growing from the damp mop at our office's desolated balcony. It's these small delicate things in life that make my days feel much better.

Not-so-delicate things in life include:


A father that I have not seen since forever (comes with bear paws),

and meeting Mike Kasem, son of legendary radio godfather Casey Kasem.



Yep.

Morrissey concert tomorrow!

YA OKAY

I think one of the main reasons why Jean and I are (sometimes) compatible is because we both think Jayesslee is repulsively cheesy and uncomfortable to listen to. Like, they're almost the kitsch of the acoustic world. I don't know, it's like pouring a river of hot chocolate and maple syrup directly into your ears. Nice, but not that nice.

Everyone else is like "OOOOoooOOoh did you listen to Jayesslee's cover of I Won't Give Up :3"? Did I mention we also both think that I Won't Give Up is another terribly cheesy song? Not talking about delicious melted mozzarella cheese here, more like... bad rotten blue cheese.

#musicsnobmoment,sorry
#iknowyoucannotputcommasinhashtags,butidon'tcare
#sameforapostrophes

"Many people die at 25 and aren't buried until they are 75."

But... I'm not even 25.

I have worked 52 hours over the past 4 days and my left nostril has been inactive for more than 2 days.

Jean said I looked like this fish last night. Like my soul left my body and I'm completely obvlious, but still cute.



We had dinner at a Russian restaurant called Buyan. I ordered a plate of Plov because the description says it's a traditional dish for peasants after a hard day's work to restore health and regain energy. Ha-ha. Their menu came on an iPad. Fuck all your iPads and e-books you blasphemous motherfuckers I hope you all get smashed to death by iPads falling off buildings. And don't you dare give that condescending look whenever I whip out my Nokia N70 or Zen Style M300, I don't need your pity, I am perfectly happy and content with getting lost without a GPS system and taking photos of 2 megapixels. And e-books are just a plain insult to the glorious history of printmaking. The smell and touch of the paper, the sound of flipping the pages, bookmarks, dog ears??? It's like having a buffet but blending everything into juice and gulping everything down at one go. Sometimes people are missing out on the real life man, people don't make full use of their five senses anymore.

PS:
Returned to Henderson bridge after a good 3 to 4 years.

 

Everything's quite different than before.

Spiderwebs

Jean: "Arghfdsjlf"
Me: "?"
Jean: "I think I just walked into some spiderwebs or something."
Me: "No doubt."
Jean: "."
Me: ";) ;) ;) GERRIT GERRIT HA-HA?"
Jean: "HA-HA"
Me: "HA-HA-HA"

Been walking into a shit load of spiderwebs for the past 2 weeks. (Metaphorical.) Good things that happened recently include -- tasting some dishes from world-class restaurants at the Savour event, getting a new pair of dark blue chino pants, drinking more beer than I should (fuck I love Kronenbourg 1664 Blanc), getting encouraging feedback from clients, and finally hitting my target in my bank account (which I have been trying to hit since December). Bad things include everything else in life. My mom said she fell sick this weekend and almost died from coughing out blood but all I did was to go out everyday and pretend that I'm having fun when I'm not. People whom I've not met for half a year or so, meet me up and tell me that I look tired and jaded. I feel like a hopeless ant trapped in a ring of diarrhoea juice. Thankyou, have a nice day.

Piaopiaoground

Eric: "Life is transient."
Me: "Life is a waste of my time."

Remember when we found misery?

“I remember my youth and the feeling that will never come back any more / the feeling that I could last for ever, outlast the sea, the earth, and all men; the deceitful feeling that lures us on to joys, to perils, to love, to vain effort / to death; the triumphant conviction of strength, the heat of life in the handful of dust, the glow in the heart that with every year grows dim, grows cold, grows small, and expires / and expires, too soon, too soon / before life itself.”
- Joseph Conrad

I think I've found it again.

18+3

Jolyn and Suimin turn 21. Hihi, legal adulthood.

Honey, it's Decadence

Because you keep dead bees and because we almost got caught in the demon lift that stopped at the 14 and 7/8th storey.

FUCKMEBABYCAKES?!

There are moments when you look like a harpooned seal.
- refusal to consume fibre
- dragging of feet
- "fuck it's hot"
- "why?" (silence) "why?"
- lousy neck massages
- tripping over air
- extreme paranoia of lurking bangla aircon repair man
- intense, uncontrollable shivering of left cheek upon giving a weak smile

And moments when you gleam like a, well, un-harpooned virgin white seal sunbathing on the golden beach.
- buying a tarragon plant
- mixing yummy cocktails
- singing a line in perfect tune once in a while
- DIY coffee grinder cover from an unwanted lid
- warm feet in airconditioned rooms
- "I used to like Maggie Gyllenhaal..."



- offering to piggyback me in Rocketbirds: Hardboiled Chicken
- piggybacking me in real life

People get crushed like biscuit crumbs

What's left unforgotten? Blades of grass, your 4th kiss, packets of candies left in the fridge from a mere acquaintance's birthday party last year (long expired), fingerprints left on the glass wardrobe of a neighbourhood furniture store, your spare keys, your bank account number, your ambitions. People forget because they don't possess these things, they don't think it's important, or they don't think it's important anymore. They've conveniently let go of these smallest of memories along with their morning pee that goes trinkling down the drain. Crawlers grow around fences, people grow around memories. It's our foundation, we build our lives on it. And if one day the fence shall fall and our memories shall subside, what would then become of us crawlers?

"THIS IS NOT A CHAIR!"
"THIS IS NOT A TABLE!"

I have started eating cereal bars for breakfast. (No, not even yoghurt bars, just cereal bars that are dry and bland and look like a compact rectangular form of hamster bedding.) Because they are convenient, and they taste like crap. As I get closer to legal adulthood, I've began to show appreciation for food that taste like crap. Pig liver, blue cheese, bad coffee and... olives. For some reasons they satisfy me in a way that many amazing things in life (roast chicken, rainy nights, bubble baths, etc) have failed to. Maybe they taste like disappointment, they taste like a terrifying kind of feeling you clearly can sense but cannot grasp, like trying to reach out and do a high-five with the reflection of yourself behind the mirror opposite the mirror you're standing in front of. Taking a bite out of a rectangular chunk of compact hamster bedding might just bring that reflection one step closer, and regretfully, this is a sort of comfort that I cannot seek or find from anyone or anywhere else, not even from the precious people whom I adore the most.

"I! HAVE! NOT! BEEN! UNHAPPY! MY! WHOLE! LIFE!"

From 21 to 25, from 25 to 29

My mom has been a little too into fortune telling lately, or specifically onomatology, or some ridiculous system to attribute certain scores to people's Chinese names. The higher your score, the better your life would be! Tadah. When I returned home Friday night after a sheesha session at Haji Lane (and 3 hours of waiting for a sumptuous Egyptian platter and Eric's shawarma (or what Yingying would like to call alima) that never arrived - talk about bad service), smelling like a piece of smoked meat soaked in beer, I found out that she has given a name for her potential grandchild.

"I have spent the past 3 days calculating and decided on a name for your child. It's 96 points."
"MOM?!?!?!"
"What"
"CAN YOU NOT BE LIKE THIS??!!??!?!?!"
"Like what"
"Like, CRAZY???!"
"Anyway it has all the 5 elements aligned in the right places so your child will have the best luck ever."

Every night she sits on the left edge of our leather sofa with her mini maroon laptop placed on the coffee table and her glasses resting on her cheekbones, then reads people's fortunes and 8 characters from some dubious, tacky Chinese website out loud (btw, Chinese characters on websites always look like ants to me), as if deliberately having a war with the newscaster on TV to see who gets more attention. I have to pretend that I'm listening intently, I always do. It's the least I can do to clock in some time for my mother-daughter bonding sessions which have become so rare. Slowly and sadly everything will dissolve into a drone, and my mind would drift off to somewhere else, occasionally turning my focus back onto her lips but only getting a fuzzy, uncertain McGurk effect. Which is slightly hypnotic. "Mmm, ya, yes. Mmm. Oh. Wow. Ya." That's all I would say before I go to bed all dreamy-eyed and gawky like a confused baby bear.

-----

I stepped onto Jean's insect glue trap today, for the millionth time. He has them all around the house as if he's afraid of getting eaten up by tiny flying bugs overnight. Usually it gets onto one toe or two but today it smeared across half my foot. He then sat me down and took a wet towel to gently wash it off for me. I think I melted inside for a while, even though I often see myself as the more masculine, and bastardy one in this relationship.

Pi seconds

I watched Moneyball, and Tomboy, and 5cm Per Second this weekend.



I was crying throughout 25% of the movie. Jean heard me sniffing at first so he handed me a piece of tissue and then I started bawling like there's no tomorrow. As a judgemental person who has always thought Animes are lame, this totally puts me to shame. Oh, and we cooked portobello mushrooms with goats cheese. Tastes like heaven. I think we outdo ourselves every week.

Happy Varentines

I really enjoy writing letters.

The City is My Church

M83 killed it at Laneway. I don't know if I'm in the right mind to say that it was the best gig I've watched so far, surpassing Blonde Redhead and The National and the likes, but yes, I've never enjoyed a performance this much before. Completely blew my mind off, and when I was listening to M83 again on the train to work this morning, I teared. ¿Siao?. The weather sucked though, I really wished it rained like last year. I wore my cute yellow poncho for only 3 minutes and watched the one and only piece of dark cloud fly by Fort Canning before taking it off again. Plus I got my shoulders sunburnt and I have some heat rash on my back now, and it's Valentine's Day tomorrow. Nobody wants to get a heat rash on Valentine's Day you know. Oh, and not forgetting the absolutely touching Whitney Houston tribute that Girls did:



With bouquets of flowers on stage. Everything is better with flowers.

I think a lot of stuff happened recently; Eric just turned 21 (seeing him cut the cake made me tear also) (I tear at everything I am too emotional), Jean turned 26, I revisited Temasek Poly to have their delicious chicken chop (WANT TO CRY AGAIN), and Kiiin.



PS: Jean and I made grilled cheese + bacon + apple slices sandwiches last week, it is the most fucking awesome sandwich I've had in the world. We try to cook something every weekend because Jean likes to cook and it is always good to support your loved ones'... interests and hobbies (beneficial ones, not excessive gaming and stuff like that). Men are most charming when they're passionate about something they love doing.

Jobless and Happy

I am currently having an extremely good time, probably the best time of my life in the past whole year. Because I am only starting at my new place next week, so for the whole of this week I get to sleep in every morning, have german beer and spätzle in the afternoon (fwoah!), stroll down the streets, go shopping, get all romantic on a rooftop overseeing the cityscape at night while listening to This Mortal Coil's Kangaroo (I think I want to dance to this song on my wedding day (even though I'm not sure what the kangaroo is exactly supposed to mean in the song),



(I even found an article that wrote: "There are some songs I hope never to understand. I would be a little devastated if one day I fathomed the depths of Kangaroo (I favour This Mortal Coil's version over Big Star's original) with its cry of "Oh I want you, like a kangaroo." I grasp the meaning, if not the specifics, and at some level, I feel I understand it completely.")

and even visit the museum whenever I like to look at Monet and Van Gogh. Without ever getting tired. There is no such thing as being tired when you don't have to report to work everyday. Hehe.





By the way I felt very cheated when I saw this because I thought they were exhibiting the other Starry Night that's more famous. Oh well. I am now heading out to play some ukulele with my friends, and tomorrow I am going to Marina Barrage to fly kites. Yayayay. I love being jobless. Bye!

Shashukaaa

Looping this at the moment.


So this is Jean and I and our 21cm height difference. His eyebrows are veh thick and his nose is veh sharp and his ears are veh small (don't like.) and his skin is veh pale and, he is veh tall. He is veh shy and he is veh gentlemanly and he is veh caring and he is veh honest and, he is veh tall. Okay, enough of showing off his height. Today is our 7th month anniversary but we are not the kind of lame couples who wear couple shirts and buy soft toys and celebrate monthsaries. Although we did celebrate our 6th month because IT WAS COMBINED WITH CHRISTMAS and sometimes I just wanna be cheesy okay. Sometimes. I have this majorly cheesy vision of my girlfriends and I in our early thirties, sitting on a red and white striped picnic mat on a green green field with our husbands and children and golden retrievers running about (I mean the children and dogs, not our husbands), eating atas salad and munching on atas bread and watching our children giggle and laugh and blow bubbles while our dogs spend their time fetching balls and catching frisbees. Mmhmm.


and this is our DIY shashuka which is the most fucking yummy brunch you can have on this entire planet. Swear. I think I'm gonna replace the salad and bread in my cheesy vision with shashuka. Ya. K. Bye.

Re: Chinese New Year and Condo Ads

Sheeps. Lucky number: 1. Lucky colour: green. Beware of unwanted romance and take extra precautions when signing business contracts.

That's Chinese new year for you. People dressed in bright colours, munching on unhealthy snacks, listening to bullshit like this along with some gong-clashing and firecracker-exploding on TV. Sleigh bells is to christmas songs, as firecracrackers is to chinese new year songs. Chinese new year to my family is a very big event even though there's only 3 of us celebrating it. We buy decors, we buy flowers (see above), we stock up on tidbits (although not a lot - my mom believes in slim children (one day she told me my thighs are fat and I told her that mothers like her are the cause of anorexic children)) and my mom will personally make sure there they isn't a speck of dust in our rooms after spring cleaning. Nobody really enjoys spring cleaning like FUCK YEAH SPRING CLEANING!!!! but I do like it when I get to throw a bunch of useless stuff away. Like I threw a pink rabbit lantern, an old calculator, two gaudy plastic necklaces and a star-shaped rubber keychain away yesterday. I sat down and painfully cleaned every nook and cranny of my electric fan with a cotton bud and god I swear the amount of dust I collected from it was enough to form a grey kitty plushie. Those really soft and huggable ones.

(OMG SORRY BUT I'M DRINKING VITASOY NOW AND THEY FINALLY ADDED A CURVE TO THEIR STRAW!!!!!!!!!!!!!! FINALLY!!!! AFTER ALL THESE YEARS OF STRUGGLING WITH THEIR SHORT AND STRAIGHT STRAW WHICH ALWAYS FALLS INTO THE BIG BLACKHOLE.)

My reunion dinner is always very sumptuous



but secretly pathetic because like I said, there's only 3 of us, and the extra bowls are just placed there for some tradition's sake. Something to do with filling up the whole table, and even numbers? I guess it has its pros and cons because I know how people have to deal with awkward family gatherings and find some way to avoid their aunts and uncles' long list of FAQs, like "How're your studies?", "What are your plans?" and "Do you have a boyfriend/girlfriend?", and

if you answer "Yes" -
"Oh when are you getting married?"

if you answer "No" -
"Why? Faster find one and get married."

Also, I am constantly bugged about the idea of my mom growing old and I know once she GG I will never have reunion dinners as yummy as this anymore. Oh, I gave my mom my first angpao this year. Makes me feel proud in some ways. I didn't know if $100 was too much or too little, but I guess too little for the things she has done for us. Everything's too little. The entire universe is too little to repay this woman. Recently I heard that Suimin bought an Osim massage chair together with her sister for their parents, so I asked my mom if she wants one too, and she said we don't live in a bungalow, there's no space for it. So I need to buy my mom a bungalow to buy her a massage chair.

-------------------------

I was watching the TV last night and I saw a condo ad that was the epitome of cliche...ness. Clicherity. Whatever. Like you know, handsome man, pretty woman, newlywed, paint the house together (no sweat, no mess), got pregnant, baby's born, baby so damn cute (no poop, no crying at 3am), baby grows up and goes to school, mother has the time to cook some fucking Wild Honey standard breakfast for the whole family every morning, grandparents come over to visit, family look at each other and embrace and laugh together (do such things even happen) with an intense bokeh background. Pans out to the condo building.

It's always like that. Either this, or the type that promotes city living? Bachelor in a suit, driving home in his sports car. Sensual jazz music - saxophone wails. Chandeliers, grand piano, wine tasting, cheese tasting (wtf), impressive sleek kitchen. Beautiful woman comes over. Toast. Eat steak. Goes over to the balcony to admire the cityscape at night. Man hugs woman from behind.

Or, the fairytale type with a lady dressed like a greek goddess smelling flowers and blowing dandelions and dancing around with fireflies. Like this:




(This one even features a unicorn.)

Which is all rubbish because your condo is not even built when they're airing the TVC and your amazingly perfect life is only going to happen in front of a green screen.



The end.

gxfczpgy

Our CNY was spent playing drinking games (and finding out how bitchy Jolyn gets when she's drunk), playing with dogs, and walking on buttery floor because of steamboat.

Oh, the Places You'll Go

This video came just at the right time. So touching and inspiring :'S

#MYARDUOUSLIFE

1.to cut down, reduce, or diminish; curtail.

Look at your fingerprints. How many whorls do you have? I have 10, and my mom told me that people born with 10 whorls on their fingertips will lead a very good life. They're like emperors, they don't have to worry much and things always go smoothly for them. My 8 characters pretty much says the same thing, I just have to wait till I grow older. I'm not very superstitious, but when it comes to things like this - Chinese zodiacs, horoscopes and the like - I choose to believe in them, because it gives me hope. When they say negative stuff like "Geminis! Watch your finance in the beginning of January when Pluto enters this house and Jupiter enters that house and clashes with combative Mars and moves towards the mysterious Moon and combust into a ball of fire!", then I simply dismiss them as "zodiac bullshit, lol". Double standards.

Hope. Isn't it a precious thing? I've come to realise that I'm pretty much living for my future, I always believe the future has something better to offer. And hope is naturally always planted somewhere in the midst of the coming days; no one pins their hope on the lousy past. Maybe it's because I always find the present moment unsatisfactory. But as long as I am alive, I'll always have a future, and I can always put my faith in it. It's like a gamble with a 50-50 winning chance. Your life is either gonna be great, or it's gonna suck. So what do you do when you find out it sucks? You take the gamble again. You hope that the future will eventually be great. It's pessimistic-optimist thinking. During my week-long break I wrote a love letter to Jean consisting of countless "I hope"s. I hope I'll grow less pimples. I hope you'll grow more facial hair. I hope life will become more meaningful. I hope we'll get out of this rat race soon. I hope everything will be better in this new year.

Remember I mentioned about the importance of time and luck? Here's a perfect example. Bad timing and bad luck.

At first I doubted myself and my own capabilities, but then I was assured that it was just caused by circumstances that're not within my control. I thought only old and obsolete people have to deal with this problem, but heh heh, surprise? Perhaps I'm really just too old at heart. The other day I told Jean about how I used to have this 500-piece jigsaw puzzle of Tweety Bird dressed up as a Mexican in the middle of a desert, which I completed and destroyed over and over again as a kid because I enjoyed putting them together so much? He then told me that he's read about the story of an old man who does exactly the same thing everyday. -_-

So yes, this is definitely not what poor 20 year olds fresh out of a design school's shithole should be getting, but I accept my destiny. I take this with a light heart and as a blessing in disguise. What's the big deal? Every end is a new beginning. Like the ouroboros. (It is an ancient symbol depicting a serpent or dragon eating its own tail. It comes from the Greek words oura meaning “tail” and boros meaning “eating”, thus “he who eats the tail”. This symbolizes the cyclic Nature of the Universe: creation out of destruction, Life out of Death. The ouroboros eats its own tail to sustain its life, in an eternal cycle of renewal. The snake is representative of rebirth as it sheds its skin. Adapting, changing, and improving.)




Which I was planning to get inked when I turn 21 (before I knew this was coming). And now I have even more reasons to do so. I have also decided that instead of (HOPING to) starting a café next time, I should start a bar, because I'm such a night owl. Or actually, because I'm so not a morning person.

On a side note, I watched Martha Marcy May Marlene this weekend and I am totally unimpressed by it (and the ridiculous abrupt ending). Boring, draggy, and a very unnecessary movie.

Cheers to life and all its shit!